Pepsi & Lumpia October

Growing up Filipina, I didn’t have any strong connections to my culture. My mother spoke Tagalog and broken English. Her English improved and soon I heard Tagalog very rarely, maybe when she was on “da pon weed ower pameely een sahn prahnceesco.” I remember thinking that the way my mother spoke was different from the way that others did. Sometimes the difference made me uncomfortable, but Mom was Mom and there was no one like her.

Everyone liked my mother for her style, her sense of humour, her laugh and the one thing other than her infectious laugh and wonderful company we all pined for was her lumpia. Wait, what is lumpia? Everyone’s friend, of course. The discomfort mentioned above was a product and reflection of the times. I was born in the late 60’s. (Unfortunately, I just read that the times are still sometimes now as heard in Desperate Housewives and at H&M in Chicago!) Lumpia made everything better and easier. Or at least they made people smile and act less hungry. These are things that I learned from my mother. Seriously, what can be so horrible if you can make amazing food and so many people smile? My mother’s lumpia was so amazing that once a friend wanted to get the recipe and start making them commercially. My Mom was appalled. Me, give you *MY* recipe? (Tone: What? Are you stupid?) I think it had to do more with that someone wanted to use it/us for personal gain. And that’s a whole other thing my Mom had and passed on to me, but more about that later.

More on the 60’s and 70’s: being different was still difficult. I remember riding the school bus in Chicago, being made fun of because of the shadow on my upper lip. Thanks to my mother and my Spanish paternal grandmother, I had a moustache. I was really popular until the moustache comment. Oh, let me explain that. I had a big crush on Timothy Lockheart in second grade and he on me. We looked for each other on the bus and sometimes we secretly held hands. Until one day, someone exclaimed that I looked like a man. (That still hurts by the way, you impish little insensitive second grader with poor manners!)Impressionable and spineless, he conformed to their way of behaving and began not sitting with me. Thank goodness he didn’t make fun of me too. That would have sent my little pinay heart exploding into tiny sad shrapnel impossible to recover. And while this behaviour is unacceptable and immature for us adults, I was only 7. Had it been modern day, this pinay would have kicked his behind into the next stratosphere. (Sorry, I’ve been getting small doses of the new and improved Jamie Somers (sp?)for all you into 70’s shows that just won’t die.)

The pride went by the wayside until the late 80’s and early 90’s. In my 20’s my mother and I began to try to connect. We hadn’t been very connected when I was younger and I’m hoping that I can do things differently with Miss B. So in the late 80’s we reconnected through fashion, albeit bad fashion, and cooking and restaurants and shopping and parties. My mother was really proud of me and I didn’t realize it back then, but I was a blossoming bud and she wanted to bring her beauty out to every place she possibly could to show the world what an amazing young lady she had created. It took us a long time to get there.

I can see this only now as I am a mother to two girls, one tiny and one in first grade. I realize that it is a mother’s wish to cut the learning curve at least in half for those who follow in our footsteps. And we do follow, no matter our attempts to cut a different path. The path can look different, but there will always be similar foliage along the way.

So enough of the back story already, because it’s superfluous to my point. Last August my mother died of breast cancer after a four year battle. One year she missed her mammo. Because they moved, she didn’t receive the reminder in the mail. Just one mammo missed and bam! Life changes. People change. In the end everything was pure again. It was a really confusing time for all of us. Chemobrain is only a recent discovery and acknowledgment. My mom really suffered. And we all suffered with her. I will never stop missing her and will never forget what great hugs she gave. All that she gave. Sure she took a lot too and she could be a drama queen, but she gave everything. In the end, she died two days after my birthday and somehow knowing my mother’s love for my brother and I, it was every ounce intentional to not die on my birthday. She never forgot a birthday or holiday card. Right until the very end. I still have my last birthday card. Thank you Mom for all you were and all that you gave.

During this past year, I have begun grieve but it took awhile. There were a few roadbumps that will go unmentioned. Like my mother’s womanly pinay spirit I took care of everyone else first, despite the fact that I was about to give birth. There were so many people that took care of me too. Thank goodness for a solid network of support during this difficult time. A friend sent emails letting many folks in my local community know. My husband and his family were incredible and without them I could not have supported my stepfather and siblings. I unfortunately pushed some good friends away though because of the hurt.

Recently I have let go of the clothing that I kept that was my mother’s. And finally replaced the plant that my husband’s employer gave me with a lovely bromeliad selected by Miss B. I let go of the picture that was blown up for the memorial service. I don’t know why, but it was the most painful part. I stopped liking the photo. It was grainy and in a frame that was purchased for the mere purpose of the memorial service. And if I were going to have photos of my mother around, I would have to search for the best ones. I have one of her at one of the beaches in PI, smiling and swimming. She is why I am who I am. Of the sea, strong, demanding, energetic, creative, and I can hit the dickens out of a softball. True, the apple never falls far from the tree. Thanks Mom. I’m tipping a glass of Pepsi to you.

October is for so many things: Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Filipino American Heritage Month, and probably other things I am not aware of. No pun intended! It’s Halloween for sure and Sprites Night at our Waldorf school, grape crush here in the Wine Country, and of course the Harvest Fair. These last few things make this certainly my favorite time of year!

The Village vs. Us

Maraming salamat (many thanks) to Sugarmama and the rest of the awesome FM site contributors for having me over and allowing me to share a snippet of my life with everyone! To say that I have been looking the blogosphere over for a place to hang my tsinelas (slippers) is a massive understatement! Finally! I get to read about, as well as share, the many aspects of parenting as a Filipino woman. I hope that, from this and my future posts, you will get a lot of entertainment. And as always, like I do in life, please take everything I post with a grain of salt (or rice, or patis, etc.)! Mabuhay!

The village (aka: my parents and the various aunties and uncles who live around them). That’s pretty much the reason for our move back to my parents’ house earlier this summer. Hubby and I agreed that it would be good for us, and the kids, to make good use of help from our ‘village’. A decision which has impacted every thread of our very existence, even more than we had possibly hoped to have been prepared for. We moved in with my parents. Gah!

Now, it’s really not that bad (no, really it ‘is’!!!). The ‘living-with-my-folks’ part has been fine. Hubby and I both do our best to be productive while maintaining a balance of quality time with the kids, couple-time, and time to ourselves to re-energize. It’s the ‘adjustment’ that’s been quite, um, interesting.

You see, being a first-generation filipina, my parents and I have always been at odds when it comes to doing certain things. And, as with everything else, the way they raised me back in the day is completely different from the way Hubby and I raise our own kids in this child-centric day and age. Following me here?

What we used to contend with only during times of Lola’s (grandma’s) visits, now seem to be an everyday battle. Case in point: I’m a firm believer and avid promoter of breakfast first thing in the morning. It just makes sense to me – all night without food and your body’s bound to be screaming, “Feed me already!” as soon as you get up, no? And I mean ‘food’, not a snack to tide you over. So, despite how groggy I may be I drag myself into the kitchen to prepare (short of a full course meal) something that incorporates a little bit from each of the daily food groups. Sure, my older one will demand Lucky Charms, or cookies, or even ice cream which, scarily enough, Lola will happily run and get. But I merely laugh it off, saying “Uh-huh, that’s nice dear. Now eat your waffles, eggs and banana along with your orange juice!”. Pretty typical, yes? But sometimes trying to beat a preschooler (who wakes up at five in the morning) to the kitchen just isn’t feasible. And so, guess what Lola comes up with? A single. humongous. serving. of pandesal – the bread of all champions! Because it’s so enriched with overbleached white flour and other yummy (nonexistent) nutrients! Okay, sure-sure, that’s fine. I can deal with that on occasion. But e-very. Friggin’. Morning? Seriously. And, here’s the thing: five minutes later my kids are even more ravenous! Can you say, “Another pandesal, please!”?

Saving money and paying off debt was the biggest incentive in making our move out here. Two full-time jobs + no rent = bills payed/$$ saved/and a house in about a year. It’s a no-brainer, right? Well, so is daycare when it comes to the grandfolks. As with the generations before them the younger adults went off to work while nanay and tatay (mom and dad) stayed behind to look after the kids. I know my own grandparents did it for my mom, and so it’s only natural she does it for us. Call it the quintessential circle-of-life, so to speak. Well, imagine the shock and horror when we announced to my parents that our kids would be attending preschool/daycare. “Isn’t that just glorified babysitting?” my dad asked. But what he was really saying is, “You’re such a fool! You’re wasting your money on something your mother could do!! Such foolishness!” What I should’ve done was point out how tiring it is to watch kids by yourself on a daily basis. And how, you’ve gotta have more than the tv set to TFC (The Filipino Channel) in order to keep them entertained. And I should also have reminded him that Mom doesn’t like taking the kids to the park because “it’s better to stay at home and be safe” than to run around burning up some natural energy. Meanwhile, the kids get no sunlight and are completely anemic by the time I see them. Kidding here, sort of. Dare I have explained the social benefits my little ones receive from being exposed to other munchkins their size at this early and crucial time in their life? (Not to mention playing with more than the remote control, AND having more to snack on than pandesal). Nah, didn’t even go there.

It’s apparent that ‘the village’ hasn’t been too happy with us. I hear the ‘tsk-tsks’ behind our backs and the shaking of their revered heads as we push more milk than juice into their daily routines. They’ve taken it rather personally that their ‘advice’ hasn’t been set in stone within the pages of our parenting handbook. It’s also apparent that they think we’re complete quacks when it comes to this parenting thing, and offer up tons of “See, I told you so…” whenever anything goes awry.

But, from my humble (first generation) point of view, it’s also ‘a parent’ who has to decide what’s best for their own child based on their own, albeit still-learning-as-I-go, experience. These kiddos don’t come with a manual – otherwise we’d all be parenting them in the same cookie cutter way all the time, yes? Regardless of age and/or culture who’s to say that one person’s way of raising a child works for the next, um, villager?

Race on the (Internet) Radio - Tonight!

Following up on xiaolin momma's great post about mombloggers of color and the unexpected politics of identity in the blogosphere, I wanted to let you know that the on-going discussion about race in the blogosphere and the (in)visibility of parentbloggers of color continues tonight on Motherhood Uncensored's BlogTalkRadio show. Folks have been posting up a storm—check out the links in the comments of my cross-post on disl, and see what folks are saying on ARP and BlogRhet. Tonight, from 9 to 10 EDT (6 to 7 PDT), you can hear me, Glennia of Kimchi Mamas, and Kelly of Mocha Momma talk with Kristen Chase about all this stuff, and you can even call in live to add your 2 cents at (646) 915-8634. Click here to learn more about tonight's show.

This isn't quite what I had in mind for my first "guest daddy" post on Filipina Moms, but thank you all for having me and welcoming me here (and for giving my wife that last nudge to cross over to the "blogger" side of the blogosphere!). I'll be back monthly to give my 2 cents on "Filipino-by-marriage" and raising a multiethnic Asian American daughter. Thanks again!

One Pinays thoughts on the State of the Momosphere

You'd have to be living under a rock if you have not heard about the conversations swirling about race and bloggers. There have been some amazing posts by CityMama and Mocha Momma detailing the situation with marketeers who had "no idea what to do with communities of color" at the BlogHer Conference. This ignited a larger discussion. There have been countless others reacting to what happened, intelligently bringing the conversation to a deeeper, more authentic place. In particular, I found Jason from Daddy in a Strange Land's thoughts so right on. I found myself nodding the whole time.

In all honesty, I have never been the one to make a scene. Never the one to raise my fist in protest, but rather have always needed to take it back, digest it and then formulate my opinion. Maybe it was from growing up with a "don't rock the boat" mentality from my immigrant parents - who for most of my life did what they could to fit in in America, rather than stick out. Blogging has helped me kick that attitude.

I was there at the Blog Her conference in the room where it all came down. It was disappointing, frustrating and infuriating. I am a new blogger and came to the conference thinking that I would learn about the nuts and bolts of blogging, and was surprised to spend more time learning more about the politics of blogging. In my obvious naivete, I did not spend anytime thinking about how mommybloggers of color were not pitched to by marketers. I had noticed that there was not a dearth of blogs written by women of color, but chalked that up to my lack of tech/search skills and time to explore the vast blogosphere. I also mused about why we got potholders, nasal spray and gum in the swag bags. Did the marketers expect us to write about these things for free? Is this what they thought what mommy's or women in general wanted? I blindly went to BlogHer thinking most things in the blogosphere were equal - duh! Thanks for opening my eyes.

Regardless, I want to respond to Kelly's/Mocha Mom's question at the end of her post - "Where were you, Mommybloggers? I needed you."

While yes there were many women who have responded with a resounding, "I had my hand up!" or "I wanted to talk more about that". There were many of us who remained silent because we did not think anyone would hear or try to listen. When I stumbled upon filipinamamas.com, I was so excited to find a space where we could explore parenting through a pinay lens. Is it different from my non-pinay lens? Do I have a non-pinay lens? No! My parenting style is a reflection of my upbringing and rebellion from a Filipino upbringing. Yes, marketers and blog readers, I bring all that to my writing. Most women of color bring all that to our writing and our parenting. We bring all that and buy deodorant, watch TV and drive cars, just like our caucasian counterparts.

Mocha Momma, where were the mommy's who had your back? I for one, was stuck in my head trying to understand where others thought my place in the blogosphere should be. I spent the next few days clarifying what I think that place should be. Filipinas have a unique parenting perspective. I hope this space is a start to educate others, more importantly I hope it is a place for us to connect, support each other, exchange Spam recipes and build community. (Hey, there's a sponsorship we should be able to lock down!) This Pinay momma has your back, is inspired by your courage and will continue to write on the blogosphere to shed light on this inequity. I'll be there at BlogHer 08 to continue this conversation live.

I look forward to continuing this conversation online with you all.