my filipino parents were awesome

the young lady in the middle is my mom, leaning on a loaned jeep, somewhere in cebu, circa the 1960s. :) a while ago, i submitted the photo to the new(ish) website my parents were awesome. but, i don't think they're going to post it, so i'll post it here. :)

anyway, i just saw this photo this morning. in the background is manila international airport. in the foreground is a (i assume, filipino) family, looking like they're boarding a plane on the runway... the dad is laden down with baggage, tickets firmly grasped between his teeth. the mom is calmly carrying a toddler while watching an older child scamper alongside the dad.

the old photos of the awesome parents never fail to amuse and astonish me, but almost always leave me feeling bittersweet. my parents split up shortly after my youngest sister was born. most of my mothers pictures were lost in a house fire. and since most of my life has been spent here in the states, away from my father in manila, i have no photos of him as a young man. the only pictures we have of them, as a couple, are their wedding pictures. my parents rarely talk about their courtship, much less, their turbulent and relatively short marriage.

i love and deeply admire both of my parents. i really think they were, are and will continue to be AWESOME. but i am also glad that they found happiness in their separate lives. we all have the emotional bruises that resulted from their divorce, but i think, i hope, we're all "okay" now.

i hope that the "my parents were awesome" website is still around for my children when they're grown ups. and i hope that they think happily enough of my husband and me to submit pictures of us in our younger, fashionably victimized and possibly inebriated awesome days....

Passport to the Philippines 2009

this saturday and sunday, june 13 and 14, the Chicago Children's Museum is hosting the 2009 Passport to the Philippines event. i went to the 2008 presentation with the porkchop and paloma (and assorted titas, titos, cousins...) which included, arts & crafts demos from the philippines, traditional folk dancing, a small "taste of the philippines" (which RAN OUT OF FOOD right after i got there!!??), a yo yo expert (yo yo as weapon - aaawwwwkward) and booths with exhibits about philippine industry and history. all in all, we had a great time last year and hoped to attend this years event if it repeated. according to their website, the list of event participants has grown and flourished:

in addition to the Samhang Kapatid traditional dance performers, two contemporary dance troupes will be performing - O.U.T. and Miran. A martial arts group, Islanders Karate will be demonstrating modern arnis and dumog.

leading cooking demos this year - Jun San Juan and chef Jennifer Aranas of Rambutan restaurant and author of The Filipino Kitchen.

added to the traditional arts and crafts demos - kut kut artist Fred de Asis and Sherie Sloane.

i'm really excited to attend this weekend! full disclosure: as soon as Samahang Kapatid started dancing last year, i got a little choked up... watching the paloma and porkchop jockey for best viewing positions, their rubbernecking, their attention captured by the colorful and graceful dancers.. then, almost losing their bowls of pancit when they got up to voiciferously cheer and applaud the dancers...

i was so thankful that although another trip to the philippines (in actual size) is far in our future, that here in the land of lincoln, we could pool our wealth of resources together and offer up a little, precious, breathtaking slice of the islands to the stateside masses...

now, if we can only get a kalesa and a jeepney ride around the pier... ooh! and a fish ball vendor!

i REEEEALLY hope you'll take advantage of this great event! maybe we'll see you there!


* my one and only bowl of pancit... i was ROBBED.




* yes, eventually someone told this boy that these were instruments and not clothing. ;)

jollibee buzzing in the big apple!

just saw this on angryasianman.com:

"New York, rejoice. You're getting a Jollibee. Over the weekend, Filipino Americans in Woodside, Queens welcomed its very own Jolllibee, the Filipino fast food chain restaurant -- the first location on the East Coast: Fast Food for the Filipino Soul."

the only times i've ever eaten at jollibee were with family in some enormous mall in manila between shopping and ice skating. i know. random!? and i remember being shocked that my grandmother's spaghetti was a knock off of the jollibee recipe. :) ma sarap!

personally, i hope chicago is the next stop for jollibee. and hopefully, jane and john q. newyork like the menu items better than these folks. eek.

btw - is it just me or are those four caucasian kids (twirlie, hetty, popo and yum) in "jollietown" with the pilipino accents??

look ma, no hands!!!

ok. full disclosure? i like my sensationalist tv... while the kids nap and after watching an hour of hysterical B movie horror reality tv (so not kidding), one can find me wide eyed and slack jawed watching.... inside edition...

i blame my lola and her addiction to soap operas...

anyhoo... there i was (slackjawed, wide eyed) and taking in the latest of celebrity meltdowns and random animal attack news when an inspirational segment aired about an armless pilot named jessica cox.

from her website:

"Born without arms, Jessica now flies airplanes, drives cars, and otherwise lives a normal life using her feet as others use their hands. She holds the title of the first person without arms in the American Tae Kwon-Do Association to get a black belt and the first woman pilot in aviation history to fly with her feet. She graduated college with a degree in Psychology and is pursuing a career as an international motivational speaker!"

here's the inside edition segment:



the segment aired a while ago, but i just found out today after a random google search that jessica is a mixed filipina with a filipina mom.

admittedly, i have conflicted feelings about news stories like this. i worry that tv shows will exploit truly inspirational individuals like jessica not unlike the carnival carnies who hawked tickets for a fairgound freak show.

but then again, as someone who grew up "different" (with a facial deformity) and without any role models, i want jessica to be more visible and successful as a motivational speaker and hope that more tv shows feature her to encourage those of us born "disabled" or "handicapped" to get beyond our fears and embrace our "otherness" and dream and acheive our biggest dreams.

personally, i let many superficial fears get in my way... i would often sell myself short or even self segregate myself from others or activities in a strange attempt at self preservation. i'll never know if i had seen/heard or met someone like jessica... if that would have changed my perspective on what my future could be...

i consider myself very lucky to have my own filipina mom as a strong role model and an energetic and stalwart cheerleader. although she believed (and still does) that i could do anything i could dream of doing, i always second guessed her and blamed her maternal bias for her confidence in me. in many ways, on a daily basis, my own weaknesses remind me of my mother's strength and her faith and i contemplate how it is that someone like me came from someone like her...

thank you, jessica for reminding me to conquer my fears... thank you, jessica's mom (and dad) for raising such a heroic young woman.... and thank you to my mom for everything - for being there when i woke up from surgeries, for finger combing my hair in the dark, for showing me how i could triumph thru adversity with my humor and creativity... ultimately, i'm a work in progress... and still really trying to be you when i grow up...

pamasko and pasalubong and regalo! oh my...

first things first, happy new year! manigong bagong taon sa inyo! (thank your lucky stars you can't hear me butcher that pronunciation...)

personally, i'll be spending the start of our new year caring for the sick and contagious at home. they caught colds on our recent california holiday - probably on our southwest flight back to chicago. during the six + hours in transit, inbetween drawing on a doodle pad for one child and dressing/undressing dolls for another, i actually managed to read this article in sw's spirit magazine about regifting by kimberly garza.

in the article, she recalls early memories of her mother regifting into a balikbayan box, "I got my introduction to regifting on my sixth birthday, at the hands of a true master. I eagerly ripped into a present from a classmate only to reveal an exact replica of the Dream Bride Barbie I already had. I scowled, but my mother gently placed Dream Bride Barbie back in the box. “Your cousin Eunice would like this very much,” she said. Then she turned and placed Barbie in a large cardboard box labeled “For Manila.”

sound familiar? my mom STILL does this... as does my stepsister and all of the other matriarchs of my family. i don't actually have any boxes, i just contribute to theirs... :) in addition to new "unnecessary" things that we received as gifts, we would also put our gently used things in as well. i used to think my mother was telling a stale joke saying that one could tell who our relations were in iligan because they would be wearing my old handmedowns. and then, i visited and saw for my own eyes that she wasn't kidding.

at one point, i remember complaining to my mom saying, that a balikbayan box wasn't "enough" that we could/should be doing more by donating money to charities in the philippines. but she replied that she didn't trust any organizations in the philippines, she wouldn't be able to tell if her money would actually reach any one in need or just a corrupt few. her sentiment was seconded by the other aunties and uncles i knew of her generation. unfortunately, her concerns and my father's firsthand stories of institutionalized bribery, fraud and exploitation scared me away from filipino based charities as well.

it wasn't until i went back to manila for my sister's wedding that the idea of donating to a filipino charity crossed my mind again. every so often i saw a commercial for children's hour on tv, "a fund-raising and grant-giving organization that taps individuals, employees, and corporations to donate at least one hour of their earnings once a year to fund projects committed to promote the welfare of our Filipino children". although i didn't commit to anything, i started to research other charities when i got home and found these:

gawad kalinga- translated in English means to “to give care”, and it is an alternative solution to the blatant problem of poverty not just in the Philippines but in the world. GK’s vision for the Philippines is a slum-free, squatter-free nation through a simple strategy of providing land for the landless, homes for the homeless, food for the hungry and as a result providing dignity and peace for every Filipino.

cu foundation - a non-profit, non-religious, volunteer-based charitable foundation which provides financial and educational assistance through scholarship to under-privileged children in Ballesteros, Cagayan. The Foundation further delivers requested educational resources and equipment directly to public-based Day Care centers, schools, colleges and libraries in the Philippines.

pinoy kids-envisions a stable and viable community that will uphold the rights, welfare and aspiration of filipino families especially the children towards authentic human development.

teresa charities- provide life-sustaining rice monthly to the elderly poor in Vietnam and Philippines working through a network of churches. Three dollars buys a month's supply.

children's shelter of cebu-Orphaned children in the Philippines need more than just shelter...we provide food, medicine, education and a loving home through three residences and a school.

operation christmas child-enables caring individuals, families, schools, churches, businesses, and other organisations to fill ordinary shoe boxes with small toys, school supplies, sweets, and other gifts for needy children around the world.

haribon foundation- a membership organization dedicated to the conservation of Philippine biodiversity. It aims to build a constituency for environmental issues that will call for prioritizing conservation actions on habitats and sites, based on solid scientific and socio-economic research. We are the pioneer environmental organization in the Philippines.

pearl s. buck foundation- has three distinct functions that operate as one with the common mission of continuing the legacy and dreams of Pearl S. Buck - her commitment to improving the quality of life and expanding opportunities for children and promoting an understanding of the values and attributes of other cultures, the injustice of prejudice, and the need for humanitarianism throughout the world. coincidentally, apl.de.ap of the black eyed peas was sponsored by the foundation as a child.

peapod foundation- this is the black eyed peas foundation. it supports innovative programs for children and focuses attention on universal needs including music/artistic education, shelter/housing and healthcare. some of the donations go directly to charities in the philippines.

wikipedia also has a long list of charities in the philippines here.

honestly, even after all that reading, i was still having trouble getting over my handmedown biases. finally early in december, i ended up donating two shoeboxes to operation christmas child - one for a girl the same age as the paloma and another for a boy the same age as the porkchop. although samaritan's purse sends boxes to the philippines, i couldn't specifically request where our boxes would go. in a way, i felt like operation christmas child was the best of both worlds - a box of gifts coupled with a charity that also served children in the philippines.

i am disappointed in myself for not doing more, for not taking a larger leap of faith. but, i took an itty bitty teensy weensy baby step which is better than nothing i guess... and tomorrow, i'll have a whole 365 more days to take a few more.

...and by all means, please feel free to continue my education on any filipino charities you support/read/hear about in the comments!

perspective from a bridge...

i always wonder if i'm "properly" educating our children re: their filipino heritage. do i know enough? do i even possess the vocabulary? is what i know enough to urge their curiosity further? how am i supposed to build this bridge or even BE a bridge with such a rocky foundation? my own knowledge of what it "is" or "means" to be filipino is wide in some places, narrow in others... and there are the undulating gaps inbetween the rickety planks... planks that were damaged by the fire that ripped thru my mother's childhood home and ravaged by my numerous and indefinite absences from the philippines.

most of the time i try to relate something that the paloma or the porkchop are learning about (in school or out) to being filipino or the philippines. and often, i find that i start doing the research for my children and end up learning something new myself.

when the paloma became seriously interested in dinosaurs. i began to wonder if any dinosaurs had been discovered in the philippines. and i learned that the phillipines was still underwater when dinos roamed the earth. as soon as the paloma started getting into the disney princesses, i checked around to see if there were counterparts in filipino folklore and found a fairytale (and it's neo-ethnic rock film adaptation) with a strong heroine and a real filipino princess.

when we were watching the pixar ratatouille movie recently, i wondered if there were any structures like the eiffel tower in the philippines and randomly googled "eiffel philippines"... and found that san sebastian church and quezon bridge (a bridge i've actually crossed many times and never really noticed) were possibly pre-fabricated by direction via gustave eiffel himself.

lately, the porkchop is only interested in vehicles of transportation... especially cars and trains. the pixar cars movie is on continuous loop, matchbox cars litter our floors like leaves on a lawn in the fullness of autumn... so, i asked my sister in manila to send over a matchbox sized version of a jeepney. and she did. and he quickly broke it. he'll be getting a new one soon... but he knows what a jeepney is - there's just NO mistaking a jeepney.

my visionary sister also sent miniature versions of horses and kalesas when she was roped into accompanying the paloma on two rides during our last trip to manila. whenever the paloma sees horse driven carriages on michigan ave, she always calls out "mommy! look! kalesas!"

anyhoo... asian pacific american heritage month is already half over and for those of you who are looking for a way to get from heritage point A to heritage point B... i thought i would share a project that i did last october, for my daughter's preschool montessori class to celebrate filipino american history month. maybe you'll find something helpful... maybe i'll help spur some creative process.... maybe you'll just get a good laugh at my weirdness...

it all started when i contacted her teacher beforehand to let her know that the month was coming up and that i'd wanted to send some things to school for the paloma to share with her classmates. her teacher was very supportive and basically said send us everything you have and we'll do our best to help her share with the class. i don't know what came over me, but i kinda went overboard (for me, the professional slacker)....

first, i made a flip book (no pun or derogatory word intended). some of them were just simple info cards with a picture on one side and then info on the other side (hello wikipedia + cut + paste + lamination machine + shower curtain ring) - philippines climate, politics, longitude, latitude, religions, industries, the flag, the national bird, the national flower, etc... i added two cards about filipinos in the philippines (population, culture, heroes, language) and its counterpart about filipinos in america. i especially loved typing in that filipinos arrived in chicago in the early 1900s after remembering all the quizzical looks we get when someone asks where we are from and we respond that we're from chicago. the last of the cards are tagalog cards - how to count from one to ten, colors, basic phrases, pronunciation and days of the week.
















i sent along fran ng's "500 words & pictures bilingual visual dictionary" published by Tahanan Books for them to peruse. then, i made the whole class photocopies of paper dolls in filipino national costume from "damit, atbp. an alphabet coloring book on filipino costumes and accessories" published by marren publishing house.















lastly, i added two HUGE bags of mango chips (not pictured because we ate all the bags we had in the house) and florante aguilar's cd the art of harana.

and the result? for those four weeks, the look on the paloma's face was like she was on a permanent vacation on big rock candy mountain. every bit of time she was allotted to share her bounty, she would come home relating the experience and the giggles and the questions. the teachers sent home very positive notes like "the mango chips are all gone. the children inhaled them". i've never seen her SO excited to learn about being filipino and to be so proud of being filipino. at one point, she told me that she told one of her classmates, very matter-of-factly, that "it's ok if you're NOT filipino. you can come see our parades even if you're not filipino. i like you anyways."

so, i guess in the end (and after a very long winded post), even a little knowledge of one's heritage is enough knowledge for a legacy... heck, my mom (who i love love love and to whom i owe so much) never made me a flip book - so, i think my family is getting better and better at the whole heritage thing with every generation.

please pass the salonpas...

first and foremost - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! i hope that the holidays were peaceful, joyous, memorable and healthy for everyone! :)

it was quite a medicinal rollercoaster over here at casita 'zilla. starting at the end of october, one (or all) of us was battling some random sadistic germ/virus/plague. we must have been broken some world laundering record considering all the bedsheets and clothes that were soiled and washed. finally by mid-december, we were all on the road to recovery (just in time, to battle all the fancy new germs that will sneak home in the pockets of the paloma's warm winter coat).

in my feverish daydreams, i realized that whenever i get sick, i feel an increment more frail, more fragile... and ever increasingly old. although, i was feeling festive and sprightly by the time our family christmas party rolled around, a handful of things reminded me that i really am getting older. and sooner or later, somebody's going to mistake me for a lola before i am one:

1) "alternative" medicine

i REALLY hate going to the doctor. sometimes when i get really sick, i think about my lola caring for me and some of her warped medicine chest wisdom. at one point, i was so sick and depressed about being sick, i was ready to surrender myself to a bodywrap mix of tiger balm, vicks vaporub and salonpas while drinking a wicked cocktail of kalamansi juice, raw eggs and salabat tea with an hourly chaser/gargle of salt water.... i was gearing myself up to watch soap operas all day long while burning random rocks and herbs in a pie pan underneath my chair if it meant i was going to get well.

2) the old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be...

i've been going gray since high school. i actually like going gray. my hair isn't salt and pepper by any stretch. but in a stiff breeze, my hair shows off it's salty layers. the only times i've ever dyed my hair (dk brown/blk) have been for special occassions like my sister's wedding in manila this time, last year. my mom and my aunties occassionally complain about my gray hair which really doesn't bother me either. i know it's because they want someone like me, who was born facially disfigured, to "blend" into my surroundings. and (i assume) because my 30 something year old hair is grayer than their own, they look as if they're revealing their own insecurities.

but then, my hairstylist, who i've been loyal to for years now asked me at my last appt if i was getting my hair colored. i immediately said "no" and "why?" with a nervous laugh. i saw her eyes flash a little and she said, "don't misunderstand me. i didn't mean that you NEED to get your hair colored, i just meant that if you wanted to, i needed to set aside more time".

and for some reason, i was really conflicted and still am, about coloring my hair. i'm left wondering if maybe i should start stockpiling some bigen hair dye for the future too...

3) but where are the shoulder pads?

in addition to the gifts of books i gave my much younger cousins for christmas, i also gave them all my back issues of giant robot and audrey magazines. i also had a small bag of clothing items that don't fit me anymore. the clothes are only a year or so old and relatively trendy... or so i thought...

then, my teenaged cousins walked into our house, i didn't bother bringing the bag of clothes down because they looked like extras/refugees from the fast times at ridgemont high, valley girl or the breakfast club movies. i realized they wouldn't want my clothes from a year ago. they wanted my clothes from when i was their age.

4) more fun with youth culture...

i got to talking about music with my cousins. one of whom labels metallica as classic rock. seriously folks, after i quizzed her about "classic rock", i almost saw the dialogue bubble over her head in text message saying: "idk. metallica?"

so, feeling a little undereducated in the "new" music department, i picked up a relatively new magazine on my radar, thirteen minutes, and found LOTS of new music... by filipino folks:

mobbstarr
ampon
gloc 9
annette ortiz (formerly of fatal posporos, now with SLY and Half Past Two)
vincent black shadow
west indian girl
leah
celia chavez

that's right, my own peeps are churning out new music and i don't know SQUAT about them. but hey, at least i know my boston. two snaps up! ;)

5) bringing out the lola in me...

and last but not least, i give you my final proof/evidence of my aging/mortality - my beloved children - who have a knack... no. a gift for bringing out the lola in me. let's just say, when the sh*t really hits the fan, the gloves come off, i assume the lola stance, i don the homemade housedress, the tsinelas start to fly and the words leave my mouth (jokingly... mostly... ok, please excuse my verbal abuse):

* sampaling kita! 'sus, marijosep! papaluing kita! sige!

* lakas ang ilaw, eh! patay ang ilaw sa kuwarto! tulog na!

* kain na!

* huwag mong galawin iyan!

* bahala na!

* grahbe! walang hiya!

* sira ang ulo

anyhoo, the time has come for me to take that much needed nap and my daily geritol before i embark on a bifocaled search thru the house for my partials...

take your show and shove it....

[steps on soapbox]

ok so, i'm late to this "party" (filipino time jokes aside), but i lost some sleep over this whole desperate housewives thing and i just had to get my $.02 worth of nonsensical rambling out because of it. and apologies in advance, to my fellow filipina moms bloggers for hogging our blog lately.

full disclosure - i used to be a big fan of the show... i used to watch it religiously. it was and is escapist entertainment. it is quintessential voyeuristic, trainwreckish, trashy eye candy on steroids. for a while, i actually felt like the housewives were kindred spirits when they complained about the constant daily grind of sahms over margaritas. but slowly and surely, the show started a downward spiral for me and has since jumped numerous sharks for me. i think i catch some episodes now in the hopes that it's redeemed itself. and then i read that susan's character opened her big (now, apparently ignorant) mouth and inserted her klutzy foot. and then, i got angry and went looking for fellow pinoy misery/camaraderie online.

i mean no disrespect but can i just say it never ceases to amaze me that when an issue like this comes up that so many filipino bloggers either ignore it or worse - defend it and then condescend to those of us who do care about it by virtually comparing us to fantasizing conspiracy theorists. by blogging thus, they excuse bigots and their remarks and even justify sophmoric and damaging humor. do filipinos/filipinos bloggers really want to be associated with or encourage racial humour where the punch line/brunt of the joke is the difference and/or assumed inferiority of a person of color?

i'm all for freedom of speech - censorship is not an option. but, free speech is a two way street. celebrities get to offend me on primetime tv with a "harmless (racially motivtated) slip of the tongue" and i get to petition ABC to see if i can get an apology (which by the way, was a non-apology apology - F*CK YOU, ABC). i want to help foster community building and open forums for diverse opinions, yada yada yada... but ultimately, these bloggers help to undo the countless hours of dedicated work of asian american activists and feminists in the second or two it takes someone to read their post. they encourage apathy, prejudice and ignorance, anti-asian racism, sexism and frankly, as an asian american woman, they embarass me.

all night long, i thought of all the negative stereotypes that desperate housewives perpetuates (shudder to think how it redefines that whole "ugly american" sterotype abroad) and it reminded me of something i read a while ago from the Media Action Network for Asian Americans. it is a list of "restrictive asian portrayals constantly repeated in the mainstream media". this morning i googled for the list again and found it here. some of the characters/character traits in the list are exact matches to asian characters/their portrayals in desperate housewives:

yao lin (played by actress, lucille soong) - the solis' housekeeper from season one. she wasn't on very long (she was fired after insulting gabrielle) but i distinctly remember that she was constantly wanting something from gabrielle - either for her to confess to having an affair or money or guarantees of money/barter for services rendered. she was definitely portrayed as someone inherently predatory. i don't remember for sure, but i think she also played the part with an accent perpetuating the foreigner who can't be assimilated stereotype.

xiao mei (played by gwendoline yeo) - the solis' second housekeeper who spoke broken english and was another neighbors slave and then, baby surrogate and then, homegrown homewrecker. she gave birth to an african american child due to a mix up at the sperm bank and has never been seen or heard from again. first, she was the perpetual foreigner who spoke little english and was constantly in fear of getting deported, then she was the model minority and then she was the china doll - exotic, subservient, industrious, eager to please, and finally, after learning from gabrielle that men in america didn't like virgins she becomes the dragon lady. she schemes and backstabs gabrielle by having an affair with her husband.

melanie foster (played by actress, joy bisco) - former sex crazed and obsessed girlfriend of matthew appelwhite who killed her after she threatened to turn his brother in for assaulting her. she's the dragon lady who gets sacrificed for the greater good.

vern - (played by actor, alec mapa) gabrielle's gay best friend who helps her with her new model training racket. once again, the asian male not only doesn't get the hooch. he's not even interested in the hooch. that's right hollywood there are asian males out there who are sexy and straight! they are our fathers, our brothers, our nephews, our husbands and our sons and they are just as delicious as their white counterparts.... STOP THE PRESSES!

in the end, why do i give a sh*t? Aren't there more important things to get enraged over like the war in Iraq or the disappearing benefits of legal immigrants? It's just a TV show right? These are just stereotypes, no one thinks like this in REAL life...

well, in my REAL life, i have a stepsister who was verbally harassed ("hey chink, stop taking away our jobs!") by a bunch of white men in broad daylight near wrigley field and was then dragged into and beat up in an alley. no one, who passed by the very busy intersection, came to her rescue when she screamed at them for help.

and like my sisters, cousins, friends, it's been assumed that i'm my kids' nanny, i'm "The" asian woman (we all look alike right?), that i don't speak english, that i'm good at math, that i'm a submissive partner in relationships but also naturally good in bed because my vagina is shaped differently, that not only will i do the work that's required of me but i'll do it for less money and never complain, and of course, that i often butcher and then eat dogs to celebrate big events....

already, my toddler children have experienced nuanced forms of stereotyping and prejudice. my guess is that it will only get worse and worse the older they get. i'll be there to help them pick up the shattered pieces of the dream that was sesame street but it's by getting pissed off and militant and vocal about ignorant crap like this, that i'll know that i did my best, that i fought the good fight for them. that i actually tried to make the world a better and safer place for them to live in.

and elsewhere in real life, marie stephanie martinez was beaten on a bus just for "looking chinese" and joseph santos ileto was murdered by a white supremacist for "looking latino or asian". marie stephanie could have been my sister, my niece or my daughter. joseph ileto could have been my father or my uncle.

THAT'S why i give a sh*t.

[steps off soapbox]

October is Filipino American Heritage Month!

there's got to be a filipino centric event happening near you. please share them with us!!

here's a couple i just found that you might or might not know about:

* The San Mateo Public Library Reading Program Series in coordination with The SF Bay Area Consortium of Filipino American National Historical Society, the Asian American Curriculum Project and T’Boli Publishing and Distribution are pleased to present a reading by local Filipino authors.

WHEN: Saturday, Oct. 6 — 2 to 3:30 PM
WHERE: San Mateo Main Library, 55 W. 3rd Ave., San Mateo
WHO: Vangie Buell, Jorge Emmanuel and Abe Ignacio, Gemma Nemenzo, Oscar Peñaranda, Marianne Villanueva, Marie Yip

Tentative Schedule of Presenters:

2:00 Intro and Program Overview — Oscar Peñaranda
2:10 The Forbidden Book— Abe Ignacio /Jorge Emmanuel
2:25 Buffalo Soldiers — Vangie Buell, author of the memoir Twenty Five Chickens and a Pig
2:35 Migrant Workers, from Stockton to Alaska — Oscar Peñaranda, author of the short story collection Seasons By the Bay
2:45 Asian Stories in the East Bay — Marie Yip, 7 Card Stud with 7 Manangs Wild
2:55 Marianne Villanueva, Mayor of the Roses: Stories and Going Home to a Landscape: Writings by Filipino Women
3:05 Gemma Nemenzo, Heart in Two Places: An Immigrant’s Journey
3:15 Q & A/ MEET THE AUTHORS AND BOOK SIGNING.


* Filipina Women's Network Fifth Annual Filipina Summit in Washington, DC

Every year, the Filipina Women's Network (FWN) brings together Filipina women, corporate America's untapped source of leadership at a time when economic, social and political challenges demand new levels of talent and innovation.


The FWN Summit is held in October in celebration of Filipino Heritage Month. 2006-2007 is significant as it marks 100 years of Filipinos in the U.S. It is a most appropriate time to honor our accomplishments and contributions to American society.

FWN strives to meet this demand by providing Filipina women the knowledge and resources and by building a network of women who dare to change the landscape of the leadership in today's workplace.

Please join us in three days of compelling conversations on what it takes to lead change and initiate re-invention.

UPDATE 10/07:

October 8 to 19 - Filipino Student Exhibition at the University of San Francisco's Crossroads Gallery. It will be curated by Charleston Daulo and Nancy DiCianni. Opening reception will be on Thursday, October 11 from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. For details call (415) 422-5178.


October 10 - The 3rd Annual "DV: Not in Our Community" at the Parish Hall of Mater Dolorosa Church in South San Francisco from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. Survivors and advocates of domestic abuse will share their experiences and suggest ways the community can help. “Not in Our Community” aims to end domestic abuse through community education and is put on by the Kumares, Kumpares of the Filipino American Outreach Team of the Community Overcoming Relationship Abuse (CORA). Call (650) 652-0800 ext. 115.


October 11 - The Ifugao Music and Dance ensemble of Banaue performs at Sacramento State University's Union Ballroom at 7:30 p.m. in Sacramento, California. Call Kularts at (415) 239-0249 or visit www.kularts.org.


October 12 - Marco Sison live at Perlas Ng Silanganan Restaurant in Woodside, New York at 9 p.m. Admission fee is $45 at the door (dinner included). For early reservations contact (718) 779-2991; (718) 779-3272; (917) 691-2335; (201) 641-2726; (908) 229-0155.
• October 12 to 14 - The Philippine Nurses Association of America's 10th Eastern Regional Conference at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. This year's theme is "The Population We Care: Now and Beyond the 21st Century." The event will be hosted by the Philippine Nurses Association of Delaware Valley, Incorporated. Email garcia.maryjoy@gmail.com.


October 13 - "Philippine History Conference Constructing and Deconstructing Resistance in the Philippines: Centennial Legacies of Macario Sakay" at the Asian Studies Center of the Michigan State University campus in East Lansing, Michigan. Dr. Rico Jose from the University of the Philippines, Diliman will be the keynote speaker. Contact Dawn Ottevaere Nickeson at (517) 775-5263, ottevaer@msu.edu or go to www.h-net.org to learn more.


October 13 - Boston University's Filipino Student Association Fall Cultural Show at the Tsai Performance Center in Boston, Massachusetts. For ticket information call (617) 353-8725 or email tsaictr@bu.edu.


October 14 - "Soulful and Timeless" starring Martin Nievera with special guest Geneva Cruz at the Starlight Theatre, Balboa Park, San Diego, California. The show marks the singer’s 25th anniversary in Philippine showbusiness. Tickets are $37 (general admission), $47, $57 and $77. Call (619) 243-9751.


October 20 - The Filipino American Library's 7th Annual Gala at the Millennium Biltmore Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. Maria Quiban (Role Model), FilAm Arts (Community Service) and Bank of America (Corporate Philanthropy) are among this year's awardees. Cocktails will start at 6 p.m. and dinner, along with the program, at 7 p.m. Pre-sale dinner tickets are $125 each and $150 at the door. Contact Jonathan Lorenzo at (213) 382-0488, filamlibrary@sbcglobal.net or log on to www.filipinoamericanlibrary.org and www.myspace.com/filamlibrary.


October 20 - Mrs. Philippines Coronation Ball at the Monarch Hotel in Clackamas, Oregon at 6 p.m. Tickets are $30-$35. Call Fe Aguilar at (503) 256-9936.

Boycott H&M!!!

UPDATE 11/15:

i just received the link to an online petition for Richards v. H&M Hennes & Mauritz:

the petition demands:

1. That H&M terminates Joseph H. (the individual who made the anti-Asian, xenophobic, and misogynist verbal attack) AND discipline the managers who did not quickly intervene.

2. That H&M changes and enforces its cultural diversity classes.

3. That H&M recognizes and understands that ignorant and racial remarks towards H&M customers from H&M employees should never ever be tolerated.

4. That immediate and serious intervention should take place from an H&M manager when a complaint about an H&M employee is made by an H&M customer regarding a racial remark from the H&M employee.

I will not shop at H&M until this is resolved. As a customer, I should be able to go shopping at a retail store without being verbally abused by an employee who uses racial slurs.

please sign the petition and pass the word on... Boycott H&M!!!


UPDATE 10/07:

just saw this chicago tribune article about the protest. and here's the cbs story and video that aired last night.


UPDATE 10/06:

i attended the H&M protest today. :)

all the way there, on the metra, the L, the walk, i thought about how it was my turn to pick up the torch that generations of filipinos before me carried and i felt truly empowered. then i got there to find that i was the oldest sistah there. (old fart, much?)

later, some of our "elders" showed up. but i gotta say that after two and a half hours of marching, screaming and sign holding. i am plum tuckered out. and rethinking that whole torch bearing business... maybe i should leave this to the young'uns. ;)

i don't know what the organizers of the protest thought, but i was really happy with the turn out and the energy, positivity and dedication that the protesters brought with them. the majority of the protesters were filipino/asian but there were caucasian, latino and african american protesters too. every once in a while, passersby would stop to see what the protest was about and then actually ask for a sign to help protest.

if you're curious we screamed the following:

"2, 4, 6, 8, H&M discriminates!"

"H&M racist! H&M sexist!"

"What do we want? Justice! When do we want it? Now!"

there were about five people near the front door passing out flyers about the protest and i saw how they persuaded customers from shopping there today. unfortunately, we couldn't persuade everyone not to shop at the h&m store. at one point, an older woman (and i could have sworn she was wearing a neck brace) shouted at us that she would never stop shopping at h&m. it was disappointing to see so many women of color shopping there and it was especially heartbreaking to see a handful of asian people walk in to shop.

i haven't heard anything yet about whether or not H&M has taken any action re: their racist *ss employee. our local cbs news crew was there, the local filipino news show, CPR-TV was there, and there were what looked like reporters taking notes and quotes... there were also many video cameras and digital cameras out - hopefully, there will be some youtube videos.

already, pics are posted to flickr here, some are mine even! :)

hopefully, all of our hard work will have paid off. i can't express in words how proud i was to protest alongside such great people.

UPDATE: i just received this comment via my personal blog:

10.02
Hey everyone!

We wanted to post the final arrangements and clarify information regarding the protest in front of H&M on Saturday, October 6th. It will start at 10:00am and last until 11:00am! Media will be contacted and asked to cover the protest from 10:00am - 10:30am. Please meet in front of H&M, 840 N. Michigan Avenue, Chicago no later than 9:55am. Who is leading it? Family and friends of Frannie (LosBañes) Richards, there is no specific person or persons. Do we need a permit? NO; just keep moving in sync in a line and do not block the entrance ways of the stores on that block or the street. Please do not disrupt traffic.

The previous tentative message & VIA Times presented a tentative time of 10:00-1:00pm. Because those were tentative times, we are informing you of when the media is informed to be there. We are hoping that you would be able to be there at that time. We apologize for such short notice. We understand that you have busy lives and truly appreciate all the support you have given to us! You are welcome to stay until 1:00pm but most of the people arriving at 10:00am are planning to leave at 11:00am. We were not expecting a huge crowd. Thank you for spreading the word! Please continue to help educate others on how discrimination towards any gender and any race is intolerable and unacceptable. We know you will act civil and that you understand this is a peaceful and informative march.

Thanks again for all your time and support!

Hope to see you there:

October 6th, Saturday
H&M
840 North Michigan Ave
Chicago , IL 60611
10:00AM CST-11:00 CST

Thanks,
LosBañes Family

ORIGINAL POST:

from angryasianman.com:

h&m: the new a&f?

"A Filipino American woman is suing clothing chain H&M on allegations of anti-Asian and sexual harrassment, claiming that on a recent trip to the Magnificent Mile store, employees called her a "mail-order bride" and made fun of her ability to understand English: Woman Says She Was Harassed For Ethnicity At H&M. The Asian American Institute has filed a discrimination complaint with the City of Chicago Commission on Human Relations, seeking redress for Frannie Richards, who says that in addition to the "mail order bride" comments and ridicule of her English, an H&M employee made mocking "ching chong" noises at her. That's racist! And when she complained to management, they refused to do anything about it. What the hell?

Now, this kind of mocking and harrassment is nothing new—we've all had to deal with this crap on some level. It sucks. But this ain't the schoolyard. This is a freakin' clothing store. People should be able to shop in peace without feeling insulted and humiliated like this. It's ridiculous. Here's the Asian American Institute's press release on the incident: Asian American Institute Represents Filipino American Nurse Harassed by H&M Employee.

And here's a Filipino American news report on it up on YouTube: H&M Racist.




I've heard rumors of a protest being planned for this Saturday outside the Magnificent Mile store. If anyone out there has further details about the gathering, let me know."

save the date!

every once in a while, i check the cfaff (chicago filipino american film festival) site to see when this year's festival will be held:


what's that you say? you think the weekend of november 9-11 would be the perfect time to visit chicago to support filipino filmmakers and watch some filipino centric films? and maybe, just maybe, share some popcorn (snuck in, of course...) with a chicago filipina mom(s) who may also be attending (assuming i can get a babysitter to babysit for three nights in a row)?

what a GREAT idea! :)

involuntary captivity

when i read the title of this news story, "Filipino Woman Held as Captive Servant to New Jersey Family", i have to admit i thought about that desperate housewives storyline about the chinese maid (rescued slave), xiao-mei, that gabrielle hired then, exploited... truth is indeed, stranger than fiction.

i finished reading the news story (rendered speechless after reading that the woman was held for TWO YEARS) then, i watched the video and found out that the new jersey family was FILIPINO!!! i googled and found two more stories here and here where it's revealed that the 23 yo woman thought she would be working "as a nanny in the house of Anthony Mandap, a vice consul in the Consulate General of the Philippines in San Francisco".

isolated story? not so much...

in early august, i read about rory mayberry's account of 51 filipino workers forcibly taken to build the us embassy in baghdad via angryasianman.

here's the video:



however, a week ago, the filipinos in question denied that they were kidnapped at all.

can someone enlighten me? how does a 23 yo get stuck in a house against her will for two years? and how do 51 filipinos get kidnapped and flown to iraq? or should i rephrase the question and ask - how desperate has living your life become that you ask for and accept so little?

these stories make me worry for my sister and other family members who are eager to leave the philippines for the promises of canada or new zealand (since it's nearly impossible to get into the US now) for "better lives". they're university educated doctors and engineers who are willing to work blue collar jobs overseas because they pay better than jobs at home. again, it sounded as if they were living their lives in involuntary captivity.

the nanny story is familiar to me as many of my "aunties" work as elderly home companions now. after reading that story, i'm hoping and praying that they're not being exploited. the iraq story reminded me most of two of my "successful" uncles who moved constantly where there was work - guam, indonesia, the middle east. they were hardly ever home and have only recently in their retirement been able to enjoy a second "fatherhood" - watching their grandchildren grow.

my heart absolutely breaks when i hear that someone is leaving the philippines to gamble for a better life elsewhere. i can't help but feel it's such a high price for one's physical and emotional health to pay. i worry especially for filipino families whose lives are truly desperate but who don't have a choice to stay in or leave the philippines.

when we were in manila in february, i couldn't believe my sister's story about how long it took just to get an appointment at the us embassy. and then, we drove by it -the line snaked errily around itself, then outside the gates, then down the boulevard. i remember that we were headed back to the hotel because it was close to the paloma's nap time - 1:30 pm - and my sister said the appointments started at 9 am. i wondered how long those people had been standing in line with no shade or guarantees in sight.

PSSSST!!! FREE STUFF!!!

ok, so it's not QUITE free... BUT! it's for a VERY worthy cause...

just saw this on angryasianman.com:

"A year ago this month, the folks at Kid Heroes Productions debuted not one, but two Filipino pride-packed videos for the Black Eyed Peas' "Bebot." The videos were a huge internet sensation, with over 50,000 views in just the first few days. This month, they're celebrating the one year anniversary of the video with a special release of the BEBOT Promotional DVD. But it's not for sale.

The DVD will be free to anyone who purchases any two items a the Kid Heroes Cyber Store. The DVD contains both versions of the video, a making-of featurette, and other extra goodies. Best of all, a portion of all online sales during the month of August will be donated to the Little Manila Foundation. For more info, go here. angrylink"


i'm aware that the bebot videos are considered controversial and degrading by many, specifically their depictions of filipino women. and i've been meaning to write a blog post re: "the sexy filipina" and my own conflicted thoughts about the sexy filipina image in the media.

but, i really love the black eyed peas (even before that fergie person showed up), patricio ginelsa who directed the bebot video and the popular film, "the debut", and the little manila foundation. i often wish we had a little manila to fight for in chicago. here's a great featurette on the history of little manila and the filming of the bebot video there:



ok peeps, you have one week to score the bebot dvd... and i KNOW you've been meaning to buy that copy of Lumpia AND Lolo's Child.

the other f word.

just so we're clear, i'm not talking about this f word: f*ck (i think we're all using that one... maybe not out loud nor in the presence of anyone under the age of 18... but hey, one misstep in the dark involving a lego brick and i let it fly...)

i'm talking about this f word: flip (some of you would use the asterisk in this case as well, i just wanted to be clear for those who didn't know what word i was referring to or didn't know (like me) that it was offensive).

the first time i heard the word was in high school. i was one of maybe five filipinos in my class. but, my family socialized (no, really!?) with other filipino families from the city and suburbs and the other teenagers my age used "flip" often and proudly. i remember one of them signed my yearbook "flips rule, class of '89! future class of '93!".

fast forward to 1998... i'd been living in the sf bay area for a few years. my stepbros, who i consider really "hip" and "happening" (they told me all about the black eyed peas in 1998 - B.F. (before fergie), asked me about life in the bay area and could i confirm that "there's plenty of fine pinays there?" i confirmed that life in the bay area was good, that fine pinays were aplenty and awaiting a visit from my stepbros and i even jotted a mental post-it note that filipino young men were now referring to their female counterparts as "pinays".

fast forward again to 2001... the thin man and i moved back to chicago from the bay area (long story). we were greeted at our new apartment by my brother and my stepbrothers. and while we were unloading the truck, i said something like, "so, what's happening? what are all the cool flips doing for fun these days?" my stepbros looked at me like i had killed someone. they quietly explained to me that no one used that word anymore, that it was equivalent to the "n" word or gook or chink and that historically, american soldiers used it as a derogatory slur/acronym in WWII for "f*cking little island people". i'm ashamed to say that i'd never heard that before. so, i stopped using it. curious? check out some of the entries on urbandictionary.com.

then after giving birth to the paloma in 2003, i started to look for t-shirts for her that referred to her filipino heritage. a google search yielded "flip" t-shirts from cafe press and a t-shirt company that calls itself flipside (i ended up buying from archipelago).

finally, in the more recent past and present - this past may/july, a filipino photographer exhibited a group of portraits of filipinos from all walks of life for a project titled "the flipbook project". and just the other day, i heard "flip" again while passing a loud group of filipino teens (possibly college students) downtown.

so, has a new generation of filipinos reclaimed "flip"? are you using the word again? did you ever use it before and then stop? did you never stop using it? what other words (if any) do you use to identify your (filipino) self? fil-am? pinay? pinoy? mestiza? mestizo? filipina? filipino?

lastly, i was just wondering on a related and similarly controversial note - as a filipino, do you consider yourself asian or pacific islander? i know many filipinos who identify themselves as pacific islanders and others who identify as asian. i also know some pacific islanders (specifically samoans) who are really angered with filipinos who identify as pacific islanders (in all honesty, until i did some research and found out that the philippines itself considers itself part of asia, i thought filipinos were pacific islanders).

Harrison Padua Leonardo Memorial Fund

i just read newbie dad's post on rice daddies stating that harrison leonardo has passed away. i feel so devastated and utterly heartbroken... honestly, after reading his parent's farewell letter, i can't stop crying. i can't even imagine what his parents are going through right now.

after i first read and posted about harrison, like newbie dad, i started to read his mother's journal too. the last time i checked, things were going relatively well since he received an umbilical stem cell transplant in april. there were good days and bad days, but it seemed like this was status quo for someone who was battling cancer and that eventually he'd fully recover (and start REALLY annoying his parents). i just can't believe he's gone and that it happened so unexpectedly (for me)... it feels as if it had happened on my watch and i had fallen asleep.

harrison's courageous story inspired me to register myself as a donor via AADP in an effort to try to help him and any other children who were suffering like him. when we got the registration materials, i was so disappointed when i found out i couldn't register the paloma or the pork chop since they were still minors. especially, since their biracial blood type (?) is what they were specifically looking for. if you haven't already registered, please consider doing so and helping someone who desperately needs it.

i looked at harrison's picture and thought how much he looked like a sibling/cousin of our kids. and i know what it's like to be a small child, suffering from an illness in a sterile hospital room - so, i prayed and prayed for him and sent him lots of big invisible love and scintillating wishes on stars. i guess i'll just do the same for his parents and remind myself that he's better now and i'm sure he's in very, very good company.

a memorial fund has been established in harrison's name. donations of any amount can be sent to the following address:

SF Fire Credit Union

C/O Harrison Padua Memorial Fund

3201 California St.

San Francisco, CA 94118

please make checks payable to "Harrison Padua Leonardo Memorial Fund, Account 100314.S1.1"

rest in peace, harrison. mahal kita.

where's lola?

during one of those rough rainy days, the paloma and i were playing with her little people and her little people house. she found a little person to portray almost everybody (like the asian mommy screaming, "please stop hitting your brother with the plastic baseball bat!" to the little asian girl) in the family except - "where's lola?", she said. and with a weary, heavy and bitter heart, i said, "honey, i really don't know where your lola is."

i can remember the first time my lola arrived from the philippines. an excited gaggle of aunties and uncles was dispatched to greet and retrieve her from o'hare airport and a tornado of sweaty limbs and luggage and boxes returned to our doorstep a few hours later.

she was sitting on our disco day-glo orange sectional sofa surrounded by opened balikbayan boxes, luggage and a beautiful accordion displayed in its carrying case. the floor was scattered with packages of dried mangoes, tamarind candy, polvoron and a special colorful malong purchased just for me. she had a mischievous smile, a quirky, disarming sense of humor and a boisterous, infectious laugh.

i'll never forget those first few days, when lola was very generous, exhibiting her love with both words and hugs, sloppily ladling out oodles of her spare time and the bounty of her multifaceted self. she was our historian/storyteller, our cook, our seamstress, our moderator, our family stone, etc... and then?

then, lola got down to brass tacks (/tax). lola became "The Dona" in our family.

maybe a week into her arrival, she took over every household duty. the sun rose and set with my lola. when lola woke up, we woke up. when lola wanted you to go to bed, you went to bed. and you didn't get dressed up or go anywhere without lola's official seal of approval.

lola planned and prepared all of our meals. in the morning, she would make a HUGE pot of sinigang na bangus (or chicken adobo or beef caldereta) and a matching pot of rice. and that would ensure that she wouldn't have to cook the rest of the day. we'd have sinigang for breakfast, lunch and dinner. i was shocked that lola didn't know how to make a halo halo or a bread pudding out of leftover sinigang na bangus.

i used to especially hate when she would fry fish in the morning. don't get me wrong, i LOVE fried fish, especially with some vinegary sawsawan on the side (MASARAP!). but when i arrived at school, i would braid my hair tightly and try to stay as still as possible hoping not to create even the slightest breeze that would betray my fishy smell. but my third grade teacher, who had an extremely sensitive nose would always complain, "does anyone else smell... FISH!?" and would run to the windows and dramatically throw them open.

we almost never had another pizza night, a mcdonalds run, an italian beef au jus, a gyros, or sweet and sour chicken - because that would've been downright insulting and well, wasteful to lola.

lola was very religious too. my mom and i went to church every sunday before lola came. after her arrival, we were going to novenas on tuesday nights and were hosting a local santo nino statue for a week, once a month. i remember being very afraid of the santo nino statue specifically. he just did not look like a very innocent, very approachable baby jesus. then, one day i saw a smear of what looked like chocolate on his face and i was sure he was walking around eating our bread at night. one night i woke up from hearing a loud growling coming from outside my room and i absolutely FLIPPED OUT. i ran as fast as i could with my eyes shut into my moms room. she walked me back to my room where we saw lola asleep on the sofa, mouth open wide. her snoring, the loud growling of a mythic beast out of dante's inferno, echoed from front door to back.

my lola, who owned land and businesses in the philippines was also our financial advisor. she judged when items (houses, clothing or an apple) were a bargain or too expensive. she was also the keeper of our social calendar. her intuition was very sharp and she could spot a bad influence from miles away. though my family and i were dubious to her counsel, she was usually right.

despite all of that, she wasn't perfect. ;) she had generalized/flawed ideas about people and other things and did not have the curiosity or vision to see beyond what she "knew" and learn something else - though not necessarily something new or better.

lola used to drill tell/remind me that when i got older, it would be my responsibility to live with and take care of my mother and father, just like my mother was taking care of her. in return, my mother would help me care for my children and my house. it was something i naturally took for granted. it wasn't meant or perceived as a burden to me at all. i was actually looking forward to it.

i learned a few things from my lola. mostly, how to hand and machine sew and embroider. i'll never forget the day i could sew faster on a machine than lola. her face was beaming and her eyes were moist. it never occurred to my family that i might choose to make sewing or fashion design/production into a career.

i fantasized about my mother teaching my children how to doodle just like she taught me. i was curious to see if they would be interested in her work as a civil engineer and what mechanical wonders she could show them in detail. i hope that she teaches the paloma to knit (even though i can too) and that she shows the porkchop how to fix things (since the thin man isn't really all that handy and my mom is even more handy than me). i'd love to see her teach them how to play sungka, to make a parol at christmas time and how to haggle a seller/the selling price of any item to what they're offering.

but, in reality my mother (and stepfather) has no interest whatsoever in living with me, my sisters, my brother, our spouses/significant other or her precious apos. we all have room for both of them. we all have offered. none of us are crazy or violent (much). but, the both of them (now well into their 60s) are adamant in wanting and asserting their independence from us. at first, we thought they were too proud to admit that they were getting to old for the daily stress of work. but, we all realize now that they are still not ready to "settle down". although they do not shirk babysitting duty (much), we do have to check with them ahead of time to make sure that they're not working, on a cruise/vacation/road trip or playing golf or going to a *insert filipino social organization " party/ball or are otherwise mysteriously unavailable. not all, but many of my fellow pinay moms/dads have "hit it rich". their moms and dads often invite their grandkids for sleepovers and weekends. they care for their grandchildren during a weekday(s) so that one of the parents can take care of errands unencumbered around town sans kids and nap schedules and potty breaks.

please don't misunderstand. i love my mom desperately. i want my mom to experience everything that she wants out of her life and this wide wide world. especially because she sacrificed so much of herself for me, my siblings and our diverse futures. but, sometimes often, i need help or even just some guidance or sisterly/motherly support, just like she did when she was a single mom trying to make a life for our family. i treasure her experience and her knowledge and her history and my kids need to learn from her, to ask her questions, to listen and remember the melody and cadence of her speaking voice. i want them to see and recognize the small mole on her left temple like i remember the deep scar on my lola's forehead - the scar she told me that god had put there to remind her that she had a purpose, that she was worth something. i need my mother to help me carve our time for my self too, just like my lola helped her to do the same.

intellectually, i know an experienced and reliable babysitter will do in a pinch. and in a way, i don't want my children to have a lola like mine. my mother is really my lola's complete opposite. and theirs was not a soothing relationship of equals. i really thought that my mother and i would collaborate and cobble a modernist interpretation of the tradition that my grandmother recited like a mantra or religious dogma.

so, on the days that it rains, literally and figuratively, it still deeply disappoints and wounds me that i can't count on her to be there for my children, like my lola was there for me, and my mom, unconditionally and almost as elementally, as water or air.

to debut or not to debut...

Here I am, coming out of hiding and writing my debut post on Filipina Moms. Usually, I have an opinion and/or thought about some random filipino-ness, but I'm finding my creative process is blocked. I think the reality of blogging alongside such talented, accomplished and illustrious pinay/pinay-lovin' sisters has left me a little humbled... and kinda panicked...

So, I start shuffling thru the latest issue of Audrey magazine hoping to find something to write about. I find an interview with Melissa Reyes, a filipino american teenager who auditioned to become the next Pussycat Doll in the reality television show, Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll.

I should also mention that I live in a deep, dark hole underneath my kids' large pet boulder. I really have no idea who Melissa Reyes is or who the Pussycat Dolls are. All I know is they do perform a cover of the song, Sway, that I really like a lot. And that the lead singer, Nicole Scherzinger is mixed race (with some filipino in the mix). I read through the whole interview and Melissa seems like a very lovely, very driven singer and dancer and will most likely go very far despite her loss to another singer, dancer, mixed race filipina, Asia Nitollano, for the next "Doll" role.

But it's the very first paragraph in the article* that struck a chord with me:

"The spotlight beam shines on an elated Melissa Reyes perched on top of a 6-foot tall gargantuan plastic tiered birthday cake in the Disneyland Hotel's grand ballroom in Anaheim, Calif. The heads of nearly 400 friends and family are craning toward her. It's Melissa's 18th birthday party and debutante ball, or "debut", a tradition in Filipino culture much like a quinceanera for Latina girls. Following the path already set motion by Melissa's older sister Michelle and their cousins before them, all of whom hosted debuts for their own 18th birthdays complete with ball gowns, waltzes and ceremonial customs, Melissa had staged a gala for herself."

Still with me? Or are you (like me) choking on your rice and longanissa at the FOUR HUNDRED guests? Maybe the 6 foot tall, tiered, plastic, birthday cake? Then it hit me - what am I going to do if/and/or/when the Paloma asks to have a debut?

I vaguely remember when my sister had her debut when she turned 18 in the winter of 1986. I didn't attend (long story) the festivities in Manila. I remember her writing to me about it later and sending pictures to illustrate her letter. It was very traditional. The first pictures were of her at home getting ready for her debut. She wore a beautiful ballet length gown that was made and tailored exclusively for her. Shortly after arriving at the ballroom, she and her "court" were introduced. There were 36 people in her entourage - 18 candles (young women, representing guidance to adulthood) and 18 roses (young men, representing courtship).

There was a toast to her and then some prayers followed by dinner. My father danced a special dance with her. Then, my sister and her friends waltzed (they had taken special dance lessons too) around the room. Then, my sister danced with all the young men (one of whom is now my brother in law and father to my most edible of nieces).

Presented to my sister, one by one, the 18 candles were lit. Everyone sang "Happy Birthday". And then, she blew them all out. The MASSIVE, multi-tiered, 3 sectioned/bridged cake was cut. My sister said a few final words and then, they danced all night long. Guests went home with tiny porcelain favors (I think they were baskets) carrying tiny pastel candies inside and wrapped with a flourish of ribbon and tulle.

When I turned 18, in the winter of 1990, I was in my second year of art school. My mom asked me if I wanted to have a debut. I said no. I think my mom was relieved (even though I know if I had said yes, she would have yoga posed the wheel to host the best debut for me). The biggest reason I said no was the sheer expense of it. I just didn't want my mom to go into further debt than she already was. I couldn't imagine paying for dance lessons for 36 people, getting fitted for an original dress, picking out party favors. And I have to admit, I just didn't "get it". Intellectually, I understood that it was a very special filipino (from the spanish?) tradition for young filipino women. Emotionally, I knew it would've made me feel more "unfilipino" than I already did.

I am a lot like my mom. I turned out very "non-traditional". I wasn't a traditional "filipina beauty". I didn't play piano or guitar. I didn't dance traditional dances. I didn't speak tagalog, bisaya or ilocano - i would always cringe when i could hear them explain, "maintindihan ay hindi nagsasalita". Then, I'd disappointed both of my parents by accepting a partial scholarship for poetry and attending a local art school instead of pursuing a BA at a larger, more prestigious university where I'd also been accepted. Looking back, it took a long time for me (and my family) to realize that even though I wasn't very traditional, it didn't make me (or my fellow non-traditional filipino friends) any less filipino.

So back to the article and the bazillion dollar question - what will we do if/and/or/when the Paloma asks if she can have a debut? Honestly, I really don't know. I really don't know who she'll be, 14 years from now. I know I'll still be her parent. I'll still feel that it's my responsibility to help her make informed choices and still be true to her sense of self. But it's disconcerting to know that I'm more certain I would allow her to get a tattoo at 18 than I am about throwing her a debut - elaborate or practical. I'm not very comfortable with how loaded it is with symbol and interpretation about what it means to be a woman - at 18 . What ideas and/or which friends/family will really be guiding my daughter and her decision making at 18? I don't understand the relevance of the special rose dance with the 18 men. How will we celebrate the Pork Chop's 18th birthday? When is he considered a man? Frankly, I'd rather spend that amount of money on a college education, a trip abroad to the Philippines, seed money for a business investment, even a big tag wedding or nursery item.

I find that with hitting certain milestones in life - marriage and motherhood, the passing of my lola, I'm eager to learn more about filipino traditions, their meanings and how they inform, transform and resonate in my life and my kids' lives. I did not hesitate incorporating some kasalan traditions into our wedding - the meaning behind the symbols of the coins, cord and veil really stated in a visual form what we were pledging to each other, what we hoped for our future and how connected I felt to this specific tradition.

Well, regardless of whether or not she has/wants/gets a debut, we'll still celebrate the very special day of her birth for the 18th time with presents, cake, pansit and friends. Though filipino tradition may consider her a woman at 18, she'll always be the loudest baby my midwife has ever heard, the fast talker, the slow walker, dinosaur afficionado, princess wannabe, physical comedienne and cicada whisperer to me.


* "All the World's Her Stage" written by Rhea Cortado in the June/July 2007 issue of Audrey.