13 July 2007

Who I Am

I guess the ban from the Internet is officially over - at least this go around of it is. Was it a complete wash out? No, because I found that I could stay off the Internet and I've grown to like some of the (for lack of a better word) restrictions that were placed on the Internet. I'm going to keep my personal e-mails from being forwarded to my Blackberry and I will only be checking personal e-mails once a day.

This week Nick got his first viral infection. David and I have been very lucky in that neither of the boys have gotten sick. Yeah, there was the time that I cut Nick's fingernail too short and he had to take antibiotics for the infection but other than that nothing. Nick will be 3 in August and I consider a 34 month run of not getting sick pretty good. Unfortunately, Alex has caught what Nick is currently battling. David was up all night last night taking care of Alex. It's heartbreaking and patience testing when your child is sick and cannot tell you what's wrong.

It has been quite a week and after the tongue lashing I received on Wednesday, I am hoping to have a better practice demo this afternoon. Getting yelled at on Wednesday and then coming home to 2 sick children and a frazzled husband put a lot of things into perspective. Work is work - it's a way to earn money to support what is really important. It occurred to me that I still define who I am by the work that I do.

I have to remember that there will be good days and there will be bad days. And, if I have a bad day it doesn't mean that I'm stupid or lazy - it was just a bad day. I am starting to move away from having work define who I am, or am TRYING to. At my age, I don't have the time or patience or energy to worry about that crap. I remember when I turned 30 I felt that I knew who I was and I actually liked who I was. I really looked forward to turning 30 for that reason.

When I first became a parent, it meant redefining who I was and learning to like the person who I was becoming. Now I'm at the point that I know who I am - I am a demanding, friendly, talkative woman with 2 boys and a husband. I hate summer; I wear a lot of black - is that a Filipino thing; I like wearing my 2 1/2 inch heels; I hate being pregnant; I am prone to depression if I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything; and I am smart. I am also a lot of not so great things, but I'm human.

I want to teach my boys to love life; to weather and learn from the bad and enjoy and celebrate the good. I want them to learn that they can be anything and do anything, but that they will probably experience failures. I want my sons to be happy because when someone asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, it never occurred to me to answer that what I wanted was to be happy. In my late-ISH 30s I am realizing that, overall, I am happy, but I wasted a lot of time worrying that I'd never get here.

1 comment:

samokdaddy said...

The journey is the joy in life. I get in trouble when I focus on my destinations. Sounds like you are taking part in the journey now and seeing life as it unfolds. I can relate to everything you are saying about knowing yourself, good and bad.
I'll steal something from "Forest Gump" and change it just a little..."Happy is as happy does." You are walking the journey.